Lonely Music

I was talking to Ryan on the phone today about how exhausted I am here at YDS. Part of it has to do with what I commented on Dan's last post, about how lonely I feel sometimes. For instance, one of my housemates is in Virginia at the Diocesan council; the other is in Chicago campaigning for some candidate for the House (Joel Pollack, or someone). I never get the experience of someone sticking their head in on me (dilligently doing homework, of course!) to show me a YouTube video or tell me how bad I smell or that they just opened the bathroom door and shattered a light bulb... It's weird. I don't like it.
Not only that, but I also am having ah ard time adjusting to the very different nature of relationships here. At Houghton, privacy was a much smaller bubble people kept (except Kyle, that hermit :-p) than it is here. Self-care is the closest thing YDS has to a gospel, and that means late-night tea is an outrageous idea. Why would anyone do anything social late at night (that doesn't involve getting stone drunk)? They wouldn't, of course.

The human element is certainly a factor in my exhaustion. However, one that is just as significant, I think, is the musical. I sorted through a huge stack of Koinonia chord sheets today, and experienced a terrible sense of longing for that ministry. There is a truth, I think, that worship is where all else around you fades away and you can just be with God. While I have those moments occasionally during the liturgy - and I love the liturgy! - most of my experience with them is singing praise songs. While I maintain the tradition of sitting through the postlude (every day in chapel here!), I really miss the drums and electric guitar.

Of course, I do have my keyboard. I could play all the same music here in my room. But it usually feels both futile and false. No one will be playing with me. My own voice in my bedroom sounds tinny and hollow. All my rhythmical issues are highlighted when I don't have a guitar and a bass or a drummer to back me up. I'm out of practice, and have a much harder time singing and playing than I did when I was worshiping at MercySeat every week.

Ultimately, though, it is the music that highlights just how much I miss the humans. Yes, my heart cries out for communion with God. But I find it when I pray with people and then sing with them. Knowing we are all there to meet God somehow launches my mind and my heart into God's presence in ways that loneliness prevents. I desperately want Micah or Sean to be strumming behind me, providing a call for my fingers to respond to on the piano keys, creating the rhythm wherein my mind wanders to the ecstasy of contemplating the Lord.

Perhaps, slowly, this will come to me in solitude. It doesn't usually, at least not yet. It drives me to prayer... But without support, it usually ends in frustrated silence (or distracted busywork cleaning my room or perusing facebook).

Well, David Crowder is playing, and I am less and less sure why I am still typing. I think I will leave you all for now.

PS - if you all log in (it will do it for you if you comment!), there should be an option on the top of the page that will allow you to "follow" the blog, and then you can just get e-mails anytime one of us uploads. Then we'll all follow this better, and stay in touch better, and upload more often... I miss you guys.

Hope and joy in Christ be yours,
Shane

PPS - If I were to name the Fruits of the Spirit most lacking from my life right now, they would be peace and patience. What about you all?

PPPS - That really means I want to know how to pray for you :-)